


I Am The Walrus – or, How Is Patton Feeling

by secreterces5



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Everyone is sympathetic because they’re all Thomas, Frog Patton, I will not have anyone blaming any Side for anything in this house, Lilypadton - Freeform, Moceit friendship, Sometimes Janus lies sometimes he doesn’t, Song: I Am The Walrus (The Beatles), Songfic, and he lies when he says he doesn’t like Pat’s puns, lots of Patton being said and covering it up, puns, spoilers up to and including the SvS:Redux episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:07:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24278590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secreterces5/pseuds/secreterces5
Summary: In the Sanders Sides Q&A video, when asked “how do you feel, only reply with song titles” Patton’s reply was an odd one, “I am the Walrus.” I didn’t know the song, so I looked up the lyrics, and honestly? Given what we’ve later learned about him, his reply doesn’t seem that out of place or random at all anymore.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 59





	I Am The Walrus – or, How Is Patton Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> I took a break while pulling an all-nighter and wrote this in one go because the lyrics wouldn’t stop bugging me.  
> The song itself is kinda average. But look at the lyrics. And then look at Patton. That was not random and you can’t change my mind.

_ I am he _

_ as you are he _

_ as you are me _

_ And we are all together _

Patton liked making jokes about everything. How they were all the same person, and about cats, and dogs, and snakes, and all the other animals. He made jokes about being a dad, and about being a child, and about being a person. And he loved seeing the others enjoying his little wordplays, so he brought more. About glasses, and cooking, and singing.

_ See how they run like pigs from a gun _

_ See how they fly _

_ I'm crying _

About being sad, and being scared, and being alone. He also made jokes about that. Whenever he would, they would glance at him with worry, and so he’d stop and bring back the more light-hearted jokes a second later. He evaded the jokes that earned him too much of their attention. He should be the good emotions, the heart, which meant his heart had to be in it. This was his own secret performance, his daily set of masks so the others could worry about their own troubles.

_ Sitting on a corn flake _

_ Waiting for the van to come _

_ Corporation T-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday _

When Thomas wanted to grow up, it made Patton nervous. When Thomas wanted to leave all of his past behind, it absolutely terrified him. And so, he finally admitted that maybe, just maybe, things weren’t as okay as they seemed. He wasn’t as okay as he seemed. It gnawed at his insides, the knowledge that despite being the parental figure, he had personal issues, because how could he ever look after the others if he couldn’t figure himself out? If he couldn’t fix himself?

_ Man you've been a naughty boy _

_ You let your face grow long _

It was around this time that he first allowed himself to actually cry sad tears around the Sides. Not the “this moment is just so touching” tears, or the “I know Bambi’s mom dies but I can’t look away” tears, instead he and Roman talked thoroughly about Thomas breaking up with what was supposed to be the love of his life and Patton cried ugly, broken-hearted tears, angry and disappointed, as Thomas’ feelings gripped at his insides. Roman wrapped him in a soft blanket and brought him hot cocoa. It didn’t chase away the feeling of shame the moral Side felt for expressing such feelings in front of someone, even if it was one of his best friends.

_ I am the egg man _

_ They are the egg men _

_ I am the walrus _

_ Goo goo g'joob _

Time and time again, he was told how to do what he was meant for. And he tried, oh did he try. But it never seemed to be enough, somehow? And Roman had the same problem, nothing ever felt perfect enough, but Roman’s problem got solved, so this should all have been solved, right?? So why, when having the same problem, was it so hard to solve it? Why couldn’t he figure out a riddle he’d seen before?!

_ Mister City policeman sitting _

_ Pretty little policemen in a row _

_ See how they fly like Lucy in the sky _

_ See how they run _

He cried again when Deceit first showed up. Not at the trial, no. Not even right after it. But as he was making dinner for everyone later that same day, the fear of how much corruption was hidden behind a thin veil of repression washed over him without a warning and paralyzed him, crushing his insides and forcing tears to run down his cheeks once again.

Virgil, who was sitting on the other side of the counter, noticed and after a moment of panic grabbed Patton by the hand, slowly pulling him down to the floor until they were both sitting on the ground, their backs to the cabinets, and there Patton curled in on himself and sobbed.

“How about I order pizza tonight, hm Pop Star?” he offered in a hushed tone, drawing onto his back with his fingers to calm him down. Both of them were kept awake by fears of the future that night, and many nights after.

_ I'm crying, I'm crying _

_ I'm crying, I'm crying _

One of those nights, as he cried alone in his room, he felt the oddest sensation. He wasn’t sure why, but the best way to describe it was a rather silly one: he’d glitched.

_ Yellow matter custard _

_ Dripping from a dead dog's eye _

Deceit had made more appearances since. He didn’t seem necessarily all bad, but his presence meant that Thomas wasn’t all good. And that meant Patton was doing something wrong. But he promised he’d try harder.

_ Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess _

_ Boy, you've been a naughty girl, you let your knickers down _

The encounter with Remus messed him up badly. The intrusive thoughts were wicked and instilled a terror unlike any other in him, and sure they could be chased away with logic and the knowledge of just how wrong they were, but somehow Patton could only focus on the part about them being wrong. It felt as though that was always what his mind would circle back to – that they were somehow broken, or maybe it was just him, because every time he swore that Thomas was a good person, new evidence would arise to prove the contrary.

Again, he promised he’d try harder.

_ I am the egg man _

_ They are the egg men _

_ I am the walrus _

_ Goo goo g'joob _

The decision to not attend the callback left all of them tired and frustrated. Deceit really knocked the breath out of all of them with that conundrum and they were only slowly seeking out oxygen again. As soon as they could breath freely again though, Patton left, went to his room, and summoned up rainclouds. In the storm he’d created, he stood, and cried once more. This was all so much, and he couldn’t bear it, he just wanted it to stop–

Again there was that odd feeling, and he could sense something wrong with it, something bad about it, like he was rotting from the inside out, and when he sobbed, his breath would hitch in odd ways, like a buffering song on the radio.

“Patton?”

He jumped, turning to see Logan standing in the rain with an umbrella decorated with geometric patterns. They were colorful. He liked how colour fun they were.

“Logan! I– I’m– I just–”

“I know. It has been a lot for everyone, which is why we were planning to watch Gravity Falls tonight to get our mind off of things. I came to ask if you would be joining.”

“Yes, yes please.”

_ Sitting in an English garden _

_ Waiting for the sun _

_ If the sun don't come you get a tan _

_ From standing in the English rain _

“Then come on, Patton. You’ll catch a cold in this rain.”

“Okay,” he turned to Logan, who offered him the umbrella. “You’re right.”

Why did he feel as though something was left unattended?

_ I am the egg man _

_ (now good sir) _

_ They are the egg men _

_ (a poor man, made tame to fortune's blows) _

Patton was the heart. He was the happy one, the supportive dad, the jokester.

_ I am the walrus _

_ Goo goo g'joob, goo goo goo g'joob _

_ (good pity) _

He was the stupid and innocent one, the scared one, the frail one.

_ Expert, texpert choking smokers _

_ Don't you think the joker laughs at you _

_ (ho ho ho, hee hee hee, hah hah hah) _

And he found it harder and harder to smile as days dragged on toward the fateful April 13th, towards the day that before even coming made such a mess of Thomas’ emotions, such a mess of Patton.

_ See how they smile like pigs in a sty, see how they snide _

_ I'm crying _

And then, like that, the wedding was over. Like the snap of a broken bone, like a click of the light switch, like the fall from a cliff to the surface of the sea.

_ Semolina Pilchard climbing up the Eiffel tower _

_ Elementary penguin singing Hare Krishna _

_ Man, you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allen Poe _

And he was left more confused than ever. He did the right thing this time, didn’t he? He made the right choice! Roman supported it! Deceit lost that argument!that meant doing this was the right course of action! So why, after it was over, was he left feeling so empty?

_ I am the egg man _

_ They are the egg men _

_ I am the walrus _

_ Goo goo g'joob, goo goo goo g'joob _

_ Goo goo g'joob, goo goo goo g'joob, goo _

_ Joob, joob, jooba _

_ Jooba, jooba, jooba _

_ Joob, jooba _

_ Joob, jooba _

_ Umpa, umpa, stick it up your jumper (jooba, jooba) _

_ Umpa, umpa, stick it up your jumper _

And now everyone was yelling once more, and arguing, and fighting. He hated when that happened, it made him want to bite his fingers so hard he’d bite them off.

_ Everybody's got one (umpa, umpa) _

_ Everybody's got one (stick it up your jumper) _

Everything that had been piling up for years – the need to reminisce about the past, the fear of losing the inner child, the repressed and now resurfacing thoughts and feelings and Sides, all of that – was suddenly enveloping his soul, his core, and trying to crush it until only dust was left.

_ Everybody's got one (umpa, umpa) _

_ Everybody's got one (stick it up your jumper) _

Why is everybody suddenly expecting him to have have the answers, he was rapidly failing at this, and his mind screamed at him, and then he screamed, and he felt as though all air vanished from his lungs and as it did, his voice wavered and distorted and—!

_ Everybody's got one (umpa, umpa) _

_ Everybody's got one (stick it up your jumper) _

And then he was big, and green, more scared and confused then ever. For himself, and for his family.

_ Everybody's got one (umpa, umpa) _

...Deceit had been watching the scene unfold for a while before this, and now he was finally fed-up. It was time to apply some self-preservation, and he did so. He adjusted his appearance to fit the theme and threw the truth right in the Sides’ faces. Frankly, he found it slightly ironic. He also found it terrifying that they’ve even let things come this far. But he would never admit that. So instead, he stood tall and adapted to how Logic would’ve handled the situation. It was quickly becoming a favorite role of his nowadays.

_ Slave _

_ Thou hast slain me _

He could see the distress in Patton’s eyes the moment they were de-pixeled. Morality was clearly shattered and rebuilt today, and still very shaky about what had just happened. I’m sorry it had come to that, he would’ve said, but he didn’t. Of course he didn’t. The other Sides could take care of themselves and each other, he was just here to take care of Thomas.

“Janus?”

He’d used his name. He’d used his name, and didn’t ridicule it, didn’t use it to yell at him some more, just spoke it aloud with hope and an offer of peace. Patton was looking at him as though they’ve been the best of friends since forever, and he realized Oh, that’s why wanted to be here with them.

“I‘ll take care of him,” he promised, letting Patton sink out with an expression of relief and gratitude. Suddenly, this whole mess seemed worth enduring.

_ Villain, take my purse _

_ If I ever _

_ Bury my body _

Patton was nervous, but determined to see his decision through. He would properly thank the one who saved the day. So he ventured out into the darker corners of the mindscape, seeking out Deceit’s room. Normally when any of them traveled through, the shadows would grab at their feet and curl around their wrists, but today the darkness was merely ruffling his hair and settling into the hood of the onesie hanging on his back like a sleepy pet. He wondered if it was because they wanted to cut him some slack, or perhaps because he wasn’t as innocent as they had all previously thought he was. As he had thought he was.

The door stood in front of him, and he knocked. “Janus? It’s Pat.”

It opened, and he stepped into a room similar to Thomas’ – all of them were, after all – finding Deceit sitting on a sofa and reading a book he didn’t recognize.

“What business do you have here, Morality?” 

_ The letters which though find'st about me _

_ To Edmund Earl of Gloucester _

_ Seek him out upon the British Party _

“With all honesty, thank you for bringing me back to reality,” Patton smiled, 

“Heh, with no honesty – or all of it, you’ll never know – I simply... do not desire such chaos,” Janus explained. “This is nothing personal, okay? It’s not like the darker corners of the mind scale are getting oddly quiet without Virgil blasting that awful music at full volume all the time,” he remarked, the tone of his voice rather bitter.

“Aw, it must be so lonely for you and Remus and- y’know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, really. Now that Thomas is exploring his personality a bit more, his mind is more open, and I’m sure we’ll get more spotlight.”

Janus would be okay with leaving the conversation there, but Patton had different plans. Tugging at the sleeves of his hoodie, always tied around his neck, he hesitantly spoke up: “Janus..? Would you like a hug from me? I get the ‘could appreciate a hug’ vibes from you right now.”

“What?! No!” The other Side sneered at him, but then noticed how disappointed Patton looked, and sighed in annoyance. He opened his arms reluctantly: “Only if you agree to get rest. Checking on Roman is a good plan, but you’ve been through a lot today. You deserve a break, and this is fully honest, understood?”

Morality nearly tackled him in a tight hug, hiding the huge smile on his face in Deceit’s shoulder. “Sure thing! It has been a... a difficult day...”

_ O untimely death, I know thee well _

_ A serviceable villain, as duteous to the vices of thy mistress _

_ As badness would desire _

The Side of self-preservation could feel Patton’s words tugging at his heart, maybe he was actually asking for comfort, rather than offering it. And then he’s somehow being called the deceitful one, wow.

Slowly, he returned the hug with four of his arms, humming quietly: “Don’t you dare offer hugs when you in fact need them but can’t bring yourself to ask for them ever again. I will definitely not make it a point to remember this as a signal that you need comfort.”

“Wait, was that...? Or was it not a–“

“Just rest, don’t think about it too much.”

_ What, is– is he dead? _

_ Sit you down, Father, rest you. _

“I actually kinda like that I turn into a frog now.”

“Are you sure you’re not lying?”

“Oh no, if anything, I amphibbin’.”

“That was.... a below average joke. I hate it. So much.”

“Do you really? I think you just like that I have the slimy boy features now.”

“Oh yes, it is so pleasant how when you hop it registers on the Richter’s scale.”

“It definitely registers on your scales!”

“Okay, you slithered your way into that one.”


End file.
